Dangerous Liaisons

Prologue

Right. Cards on the table, everyone. I’m not going to lie to you dear readers, I’ve been in more cheerful moods in my life than I have been so far this week. And I’ll tell you the truth of the matter as I’m discovering it. Between you and me, it is not an entirely pleasant experience being a Newcastle Vipers fan. I was warned of this possibility fairly early on in my induction to all things ice hockey, but I was blithely unaware of how quickly it would start to ring true. It really has been a baptism of fire. But on the plus side, I have been overwhelmed at the positive response since I joined your merry band of puck-chasing loons, from the hockey community as a whole, and I have in turn been amazed at the loyalty and upbeat attitude shown by Vipers fans despite the difficult situation that the club currently find themselves in. Not that it’s news – you all seem to be quite used to bearing this level of uncertainty and for that I salute you. And I just wanted to acknowledge that fact before launching into my latest inane drivellings. I have to admit that I have spent the last few days writing and re-writing heaps of depressing speculative nonsense, some of which might well be valid, but it’s the last thing we all need right now, so sod it. I’m going to merrily proceed down the line of inquiry I initially intended to pursue before the good ship Vipers started to pitch and roll in the stormy waters of the financial wasteland that appears to be the lower half of the Elite Ice Hockey League.

More than anything right now, we need support. Support from fans both old and new. Old I can’t help with – apart from perhaps to try to remind them why they loved hockey in the first place. But new fans? Well, that’s where I come in. Or at least, where I hope to come in. That was the initial aim of this blog, after all. I’ve been thinking for a while about writing a piece comparing hockey and football, in the hope of enticing local football fans to spend the hours waiting for Match of the Day on a Saturday evening taking in a live sporting occasion of a very different nature. It’s time to rouse the troops, people. Once more into the breach dear friends and all that jazz. So. That bit up there ^ is for you, hockey fans. But the bit I’m about to write, the bit down there, is for all your football-supporting buddies. Forward it to them. Send it around your office. Do whatever you have to do. But get the word out there! (Send it to other sports fans too, I’m sure they will be able to relate!)

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Friends, colleagues, football fans. Lend me your ears. I bring you news of great joy. Are you finding it a drag watching eleven men in stripey shirts jogging around a patch of grass with eleven other men, pouting and preening and executing expert swan dives in front of a dude dressed in black who can only run backwards, week in, week out? No? Okay. I do understand. For all its faults in the current day and age, football IS still a good game. I’ve been watching it for as long as I can remember. And yes, it has its moments. But you have to admit, it’s become a bit tiresome of late. Criminal activity, sordid affairs and stroppy Scousers complaining about earning less than a million quid a month are spoiling this once-great sport for everyone involved. You know what you need? Another sport to follow. To lighten the load, take your mind off of your footballing woes and remember that magical feeling when things were new, and fresh, and exciting.

You never know, it might just work out that when football is making you want to expel your hastily purchased curry-flavoured pastry snack from your innards in disgust after your particular collection of over-paid, alice band-wearing pansies fail to pick up a single point against Blackpool, you could redeem your evening almost instantly, with a trip to an ice hockey match. It’s the perfect antidote for the jaded football fan; a quick win solution. I promise you, you will not be disappointed. I’m not telling you to leave football. I know that it’s hard. It’s a long-standing relationship. You made your commitments to it many years ago; you can’t simply divorce it and be on your merry way. You might even have children with football. But consider ice hockey at first, if you will, as a clandestine lover. Here are some reasons why you might consider taking this new sport as your ‘bit on the side’.

For a start, there’s the thrill of it all. It’s fast, furious and full-on, ALL the time. It may not last as long as football but you get some serious bang for your buck. Quality, not quantity. Instant gratification. It’s like a short, sharp shock to the system, rousing you from years of no-score-draw-induced slumber into a whole new world of intensity. And although it may not last as long, footie fiends, it does offer something football could never give you – TWO half times! Yes, two. That’s double the pie-eating, beer-swilling and socialising opportunities, right there. Oh and don’t worry about finishing your pint before you go back into the stadium, you can drink wherever you like. Yes, this is a sport where you can drink solidly, throughout, if you so choose. It’s like cricket. Except you don’t have to take a week off work to watch it! And although it’s technically an indoor sport, fear not – it’s brass monkeys in there, so you’ll still feel brick hard if you decide to take your top off!

I’ve mentioned in previous posts the small matter of the speed of the game, but I think it’s worth mentioning again. Ice hockey exists in a whole different dimension, time-wise. Anyone not used to it should be prepared to be confused for the first couple of games. But don’t let it put you off. It’s like dog years in comparison to human years. And look how happy dogs are! Eons pass by in hockey whilst in football, time ticks by slower than it would at John Major’s all-night Concrete Convention. It’s all so pedestrian in comparison; to see the likes of Rooney and Gerrard plodding about on their boring old human feet is old news when there are men with blades strapped to the bottom of theirs zipping around at light speed to marvel at instead.

And these men are REAL men. They don’t fall over unless someone literally picks them up and THROWS them over. Which they quite often do! And it’s been scientifically proven that you can absorb manliness via osmosis, just the same as the way you might come home from a football match feeling slightly emasculated having watched some pretty boys prance about on a field for 90 minutes. Do you scream at the referee for the slightest infraction and then panic because a player is rolling about in fake agony and might have broken a fingernail? Ever feel inclined to use ‘male’ beauty products to try and emulate the looks of your favourite footballer? Fear not. Ice hockey will knock that rubbish out of you. This is a sport where you can actually attack somebody and still only get sent off for five minutes. Watch grown men slamming each other into walls three inches in front of your face for an evening and you’ll be fully restored to masculinity. Ladies, you’ll either come away feeling light-headed and having palpitations, or you too will be fully restored to masculinity. It could go either way. You’ll either faint, or punch somebody. But hey, it’s living!

Real men. Engaged in actual combat. The referee is actually cheering them on.

Don’t get me wrong, football fans. There are things about it that will feel strange, different, maybe even a bit wrong; but like putting on ladies’ underwear in the privacy of your own home, it’s okay to like it as long as nobody sees you doing it (girls, your equivalent metaphor is using a power drill). For example, I’ve mentioned in previous posts about the frequent stoppages in play. Yes, they’re strange at first, and quite hard to get used to. But everyone has their funny little habits that you just learn to love, and you’ll find yourself relishing these opportunities to catch up with friends, meet new people, discover what the hell’s going on, or watch one of the players pick some of his teeth up off the ice and stagger off bleeding. Everybody wins.

Bleeding. Actual blood. Yeah!

Something you would have experienced this season as a hockey fan that you never would in football is a team coach who actually swears in his post-match interviews. I guess the closest we get in football is somebody like Ian Holloway, but still, actual swearing! Edgy. Thankfully it was bleeped as I’m not sure it wouldn’t have sounded quite amusing in a Canadian accent, thus detracting from its impact (although I wouldn’t say that to coach Danny Stewart’s face!). Stewart also had a go at the infamous Brad Voth in one of our recent matches, getting up in the Behemoth’s face like a good’un. For the football fans, I’m trying to think of a suitable comparison but short of saying it was like Alex Ferguson beating up Vinnie Jones in the middle of a match and nobody batting an eyelid, I really can’t think of one. And I just don’t think that image does it justice because of its sheer unlikelihood. The very fact that these things go on in hockey is what makes it such an unpredictable and exciting sport to watch. It’s dangerous. It’s thrilling. And it’ll give you a night you’ll never forget. And the next time you’re at football? You’ll be thinking of ice hockey.

So to conclude, my ball-chasing chums, I urge you to throw caution to the wind and indulge in a flirtation with the unknown. Make a sneaky date with hockey this weekend, for a little extra-curricular activity. Yes it’s naughty. Yes it’s wrong. Yes you’ll have to think of an excuse when you go home to football smelling of ice hockey. But what football doesn’t know won’t hurt it. It can be our little secret. Go on. You know you want to.

Got your attention? Bored with balls? Fancy a puck this weekend? (Damn, I promised myself I’d get through this entire extended metaphor without resorting to cheap hockey equipment-based innuendo. Oh well, what’s done is done!) Get your butts down to Whitley Bay Ice Rink this Sunday at 5:30pm to see Newcastle Vipers take on Coventry Blaze. Do it. You’ll never be quite the same again. http://www.vipershockey.co.uk/